Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.