I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.