One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.