Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly