To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Okay, I’m still confused…
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
british sex workers really pound for pound
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.