Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME