If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
when someone rings the doorbell
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7