they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.