I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Autocarrot sucks!
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled