How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.