“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY