This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
We’ve all been there…
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.