Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry