I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You Might Also Like
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.