Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.