Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m giving up ice.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.