therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Spa day..😅
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.