Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.