*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?