My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
You Might Also Like
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.