Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
watergate? u mean a dam??
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.