No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years