Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”