Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*limbos away from your hug*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏