A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”