Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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A leaf blower, but for people.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.