The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.