Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.