My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.