ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I bet birds love this building.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.