I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
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LMAO.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
こいつ天才
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.