[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?