Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Europe. Made in Germany.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.