Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I feel attacked.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?