[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?