Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
When someone says you are so lazy
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]