*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
the three branches of government
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.