“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.