It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.