They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Don’t forget to tip your server
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁