You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.