I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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I’ve had relationships like this
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.