“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
You Might Also Like
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Whisper out to librarians!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY