iPhone X
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I was bored.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.