Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
You Might Also Like
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
584.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house