[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
You Might Also Like
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
The Weeknd is back
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you