My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.