Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Same post same
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
me and who
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets