Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”