You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too